OFFENSIVE CHARM

by Ria Lina

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about

This is my first album. Yay! I know it isn't as polished as Beyonce or Lady Gaga, but it's still me on a plate. I'll be honest, I kinda like the rough-cut sound, I think it lends a 'street' feel to the whole piece. Either that, or I've listened to it so many times it sounds normal to me.

credits

released December 24, 2011

Thank you to all those comedians who donated their voices and comic genius to this project. I am forever grateful; or at least until I can return the favour. ;)

Thank you also to the Jones Boyz for their time, music and efforts in getting this together - especially Jesse.

Ria x

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about

Ria Lina London, UK

Winner of the EMMA Award for Best Comedienne 2003, Ria Lina makes an impact with her dry wit and bawdy ukulele songs. She's been a regular in stand-up comedy for the past 11 years both in the UK and abroad. Her work includes Malai Monologues, for BBC 3; The World Stands Up, for Comedy Central, the Paramount Comedy Channel, and the Comedy Network Channel; and Sweet n’ Sour Sketch Show for BBC3. ... more

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Track Name: The Gauger Song
Sitting with my ukulele on a blanket by the sea,
Hoping that a certain someone comes to rescue me.
The tide is getting higher and my feet are getting wet.
He said he’d be here half past three, I hope he won’t forget.
Cause I can’t swim, and he’s got my wheelchair.
I hope that’s him, walking over there.
Track Name: The Paedophile Song
I thought I’d sing a love song just to tell you how I feel.
But I realised love is not the word to use.
For despite our years together though I’ve suffered pain and strife,
I’m underage so technically the word is still abuse.

You Pig! I trusted you.
I thought what we had together was just between us two.
You pig! I trusted you.
But I should’ve known the other kids got candy from you too.
Track Name: The Coming Song
(to the tune of she’ll be coming round the mountain)
I was coming, I was coming when you came.
I was going to reach it when you called my name.
When you stopped to catch your breath,
My libido caught it’s death.
I was close so close to coming when you came.

And you said you’d do the dish when you came.
Do the laundry, use the vacuum when you came.
But the housework you’re ignoring,
Cause you’re far too busy snoring.
I was close so close to coming when you came.

And I’d worked so hard to get there when you came.
I’d pretended you were gorgeous what’s-his-name.
But you shattered my illusion, by shouting:
(spoken/shouted) “Yippee, woo-hoo! Who’s your Daddy, who’s you’re Daddy, say my name Bitch!”
I was close, so close to coming when you came.

(to the tune of Go tell it on the mountain)
Go tell it to your cronies, buy the next round and boast some more.
Go tell it to your cronies, you treat me like a whore.
(spoken) But revenge is sweet cause…
(back to original tune)
I do threesomes with my girlfriends when you’re gone.
We just lick each others titties all night long.
We’d invite you round to try it,
But I said you wouldn’t buy it,
So we’ve asked your closest friends to come along.

I was just about to climax when you came.
So I faked it as I yelled your brother’s name.
Now ‘premature’ is not your issue,
It’s ‘not at all’ or ‘with a tissue’,
I was close so close to coming, I was oh so close to coming, I was close, so close to coming when you….

(spoken) Oh, Fuck! I didn't finish.
Track Name: The Mail-Order Bride Song
My mom’s a filipina and my father’s a kraut.
She is strictly catholic, he’s an arrogant lout.
But things are finally better cause she’s now allowed out.
But she mustn’t learn the language or buy shoes.

The story how they met is quite an interesting tale.
He received a catalogue one day in the mail.
Some were quite expensive but my mom was on sale.
Thank God it wasn’t buy one get one free.

Cause she’s a mail order bride, she was bought for a farthing,
By my father who lied, he’s not well off or charming.
But he says she’s lucky, he don’t like sucky sucky,
And at least she’s not a factory slave like all her friends back home.

So, shout out if you’re single. Here’s the answer for you.
Take a trip to a Asia men are looking for you.
Don’t worry if you’re male they love that kinky shit too.
It keeps your mother happy, there’s a lifetime guarantee:

When you’re a mail-order bride, you’ll be always together.
Forget about pride, you’ll be pregnant forever.
He’ll treat you like shit, be a real hypocrite,
But you’ll never have to do that thing with ping-pong balls again.
Track Name: The Ping-Pong Ball Song
You should see what I can do with ping-pong balls.
You’d find it quite surprising I should think.
I slip them one-by-one into a slot and then,
I softly squeeze and whoops! They’re in your drink.

I know it’s quite a feat but as my mother always claimed:
It’s not how hard you squeeze them,
The trick is in your aim…
So!

If you want to see my trick with ping-pong balls,
Then shout now or forever hold your piece.
Cause I can only fit 3 in the designated slot
And I don’t always get them back once their released.
Track Name: 3rd Mail-Order Bride Verse
But if you think this system keeps the women oppressed.
Please don’t sign petitions, protest, or get depressed.
My mom can make life living hell along with the best,
And she even has a black belt in kung-fu.

Cause she’s a mail-order bride, which means she’s naturally a woman,
Which means she’ll always be right, which means there’s no point in arguing.
My poor dad once tried and was then crucified.
His ego has been chipped,
He’s been completely pussy-whipped,
He should have said deaf dumb and blind
When on the dotted line he signed
But then that’s what you’re going to get when you marry order brides!
Track Name: The Yellow Song
It's not easy being yellow in a world that still contains a lot of racists.
It's not easy being coloured in a world that mainly thinks in black and white.
It's not easy being seen as being seen as being Eastern when you're raised in the West.
It's not easy being yellow in a world where even you think white is best.

You see my mother's from the Phillippines, my father is a German, yes it's true.
And from my mother I got colour, but my father gave me point of view.
So though I'm chinky on the outside, inside I'm just a fascist through and through.
Yes I may look like a catholic but the only guilt I feel is near a Jew.

You won't believe the trouble I've had trying to follow the footsteps of my dear old Dad,
I've done whatever I can I even tried to join the Ku Klux Klan.
(spoken) Did you know they take their hats off when they go inside? Who knew?

It's not easy being yellow there's a billion more like me I don't stand out.
It's not easy being coloured at the UN or at NATO I don't stand out.
My plans for world domination, due to my situation are on the shelf.
It's not easy being me when half the time I think I ought to gas myself.

Oh my father didn't abuse me but he certainly confused me,
My mother never helped as I'd have liked.
It's not easy being yellow when you want to ressurect the 3rd Reich.
Track Name: The Black Man Baby Blues Song
My boyfriend went away, on a trip to San Jose,
He wasn't gone that long but hey this mouse went out to play,
Now I got them: knocked up with a black man's baby blues.
And I haven't got that long before everyone hears the news.

Now his parents caused a fuss, but my boyfriend has it sussed,
Cause they're Irish Roman Catholic so our wedding is a must,
Now I've got them: marrying an Irishman carrying a black man's baby blues.
And time is running out until everyone hears the truth.

Now my husband's looking forward, to 9 months of no PMS,
But the joke's on him cause honey! All my hormones are a mess,
Now I've got them (yelled): I don't care if it's 3 o'clock in the morning, find me some Goddamn ice cream! Hitched to an Irishman carrying a black man's baby blues.
And the clock is ticking down until everyone knows it's a ruse.

Now my baby's in my arms and it's just as I supposed,
He's got skin as black as midnight but an oriental nose.
But something is amiss because my husband says it's his,
And there's something he's not telling me and I want to know what it is!

My husband is perturbed and it's really quite absurd,
It seems he's got black-Irish in him and he never said a word,
Now I've got them: I'm off the hook my God I'm lucky! Blues.
I'm still a lying cheating whore but at least nobody knows the truth.
Track Name: The Sorry, That's Not My Baby Song
I dreamed about my baby for so long.
I pictured what she'd look like when she'd grown.
Her figure slender, her features fine.
Her hair, skin, eyes all brown like mine.
Then she was born and they put her in my arms (in my arms).

And I said,
"Sorry, that's not my baby. That blonde-haired, blue-eyed look is not my style.
I know mistakes are made and that is fine,
But give me the baby that's actually mine.
I'm sorry, that's not my baby."

And the doctor said,
"Madame. I can see you're upset. But I'm afraid that what you see is what you get.
We don't do refunds, returns are out too, it's your parents that you should be talking to.
I'm sorry, but that's your baby."

So I said,
"Mama, tell me that I didn't fail. I know she has 10 fingers and toes, but she's really pale.
You've got colour, and I've got some, so where did this albino baby come from?
I'm sorry, that's not my baby."

And my Mama said,
"Daughter, remember that your father's white. His ass is so pale it could light up a moonlit night.
In our days our marriage was considered progressive.
You're mixed-race and your daughter's recessive,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry but that's your baby.
Track Name: The Rohypnol Song
When I was young I used to like to party.
I’d drink and smoke and dance the night away.
Once in a while a guy would say he liked me.
And we’d get dirty till the break of day.

And then one night a fella took a liking.
But didn’t have the nerve to say hello.
Instead it was my drink that he was spiking,
With vodka, lemonade and rohypnol.

Oh, it wasn’t like I even was a virgin.
But still my pride was knocked a bit that day.
Even though he never was arrested.
I’ve been getting my revenge in my own special way.

You see that bitch of an itch is from a case of pubic lice.
And though he doesn’t know it gonorrhea ain’t that nice.
Chlamydia is quiet but it’s nasty just the same.
And syphilis by nature ain’t as pretty as it’s name.

I know that he regrets it though we never went to court,
Cause I slapped him with a lawsuit for back-dated child support!
So learn the lesson fellas: don’t drug girls that you’ve just met.
Cause they will teach you lessons that your penis won’t forget.
Track Name: The Internet Porn Song
I love all my children. I love each and every one.
But I'm facing tribulations that had never faced my mum.
Maybe cause she had two daughters never had a teenage son,
That she never caught him wanking off to big-fat-sluts.com.

Now I know he's getting jiggy with his little piggy cause I'm washing lots of sheets and odd socks.
And I know it's kind of normal to take sluts to the formal cause they have a thing for teenage cocks.
But it really pulls my heartstrings every time the phone rings and it's VISA asking me if:
I'm the dirty bastard that likes to watch girls get dogs stiff.

You see I know he's at that age where, he's going through the phase where all he thinks about is sex.
But my reasons for refusing his online booby-cruising, give me credit, are much more complex.
For if he types in 'donkey dicks', or 'spanking men with sticks', or heaven forbid, 'German porn'.
He'll find out that his mother liked to bugger before he was born.

But should the image of me getting a roasting burn his retina it would colour all his sex for life.
I'd be with him in the bedroom and on his honeymoon, well, that's if he can get a wife.
For if the knowledge that he's perving on me proves so averting that he's put off his penis for good:
he'll quickly make amends with his homework school and friends,
I'll rediscover the joy of my darling baby boy.
He'll go back to the way things were, like he should.

Oh.

I love all my children. I love each and every one.
They've all grown and flown the nest now,
Well, except my eldest son.
He's still living in the basement and he's almost 41,
Still recovering from the shock he got at milfs-we-rate.com